


Everything will be alright

by Yourflower



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 15:23:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16287068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yourflower/pseuds/Yourflower
Summary: When Sehun takes the wrong notebook, his world crashes down around him.





	Everything will be alright

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the warnings in the tags. Take care of yourselves!

When Sehun woke up Eunji was gone. He looked to his right, towards the nightstand and smiled. As always Eunji had left a note before going to work. _Good morning my love! I will be home by 5 pm. don’t miss me too much. I love you!!_ <3\. Sehun chuckled at her words. She had been leaving him notes since long before they started dating, the only thing that changed was that she called him my love now, instead of just Sehun. He looked at the clock on his nightstand 11 am. He’d have to wait a few more hours.  
He got out of bed and went over to the set of drawers. He opened the one that held their notebooks. Despite Eunji finding it kind of cliché, they had plenty of matching things, Sehun really liked it – so she complied. One of those matching things were notebooks, nice leather-bound ones. They’d gone through about three each now. Sehun took his out, together with a glue stick, and went back to bed. He’d always saved the notes Eunji left him in the morning – and after they got the notebooks, he started to glue them in, together with writing his own response to them. When this notebook was filled he was going to propose. It was quite a romantic gesture if he’d say so himself. And now there were only six pages left in the notebook. He opened the notebook expecting to find notes glued to the pages, but he didn’t. The first thing he noticed was that pages had been ripped out. His eyes traveled to the first page, he read the title; and everything around him seemed to stop. It was Eunji’s handwriting, messier than usual – and it read 10 things to do before you kill yourself. He reread the sentence over and over again, but nothing changed. His whole had just collapsed around him. But instead of stopping, he read the list.  
1\. Make sure Sehun knows you love him  
2\. Write a really good suicide note  
3\. Visit mom and dad  
4\. Tell Ara to go fuck herself  
5\. Sell some stuff  
6\. DON’T WASTE MONEY  
7\. Spend as much time as possible with Sehun  
8\. Make sure he knows that he never did anything wrong  
9\. Clean  
10\. Delete your search history 

What worried him the most was the fact that over half of these things had been completed. Of course, he knew that she had been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts before. She was quite open about the matter and had told him even before they started dating. But he thought that she didn’t feel like that as much anymore. Of course, he understood that depression doesn’t just disappear and never come back, but he thought that right now she was doing okay. That thought was based only on the fact that she hadn’t told him anything about it, so he just presumed that there was nothing wrong. But this list did explain Eunji’s recent behavior. She had been cleaning a lot more than usual, as well as selling a lot of things she didn’t want anymore, or at least that’s what she said.  
“I just want to tidy up a bit, and get rid of some stuff that I don’t want anymore.” she’d smiled as they drove to a second-hand shop. Sehun had been pretty confused, to say the least, Eunji had always had a hard time parting with objects no matter their value or usefulness. But now she seemed to have done a complete 180 and was getting rid of basically all she owned.  
Not only that, they had been on a lot more dates lately - which Sehun absolutely didn’t mind, and Eunji had been telling him how much she loved him more than usual.  
”You know, I’m so happy I met you. I love you so much,” Eunji spoke softly as her hand caressed Sehun’s cheek.  
”I love you too,” he whispered, moving closer to her.  
At the time Sehun didn’t think much of it, he had just thought that she was happy. In hindsight, it was a naive thought for him to have, and the list proved that.  
He flipped the page with the list written on it, only to find what Eunji had worded as her ‘really good suicide note’. Again, it was unmistakably her handwriting and in some spots, there was evidence of dried up tears. In all honesty, Sehun had never been more afraid to read anything in his entire life.  
My body feels so heavy and I’m so tired. Numbness has replaced all emotions and it feels like I’m barely alive anymore. The depression is eating away everything I am. At this point, I’d rather stop breathing than feel like this. Like an empty shell walking around.  
I know that this is all my fault. I’m weak and I’m selfish and I deserve nothing of the good things I have received. The doctors told me many years ago that I was well again. Why did they lie? Pain and sadness last forever, I know that now. But they don’t tell you that, if you knew you wouldn’t go to them.  
Please tell me I fought hard, that I did well.  
Send me off peacefully and don’t blame me.  
I’m sorry.  
It took Sehun a few moments to react. His eyes watered, and he felt his limbs become heavy. How could he not have noticed? Eunji had just written how she felt herself being eaten away at by depression, and not once had Sehun noticed how much heavier she carried herself now, compared to when they met. 

When Eunji entered through the door her head hung low, she dragged her feet across the floor, as if they were heavy rocks. Sehun was sat on the sofa waiting for her. He looked at her in a way that could only be described as heartbroken. The area around his eyes were red and his nose was too, tear stains scattered his cheeks.  
“What’s wrong?” she asked, voice filled with concern. She rushed over to him quickly. The concern only worsened when she saw him open his mouth and close it immediately, unable to find words to express what was on his mind. Only a few times had she ever seen Sehun speechless like this, and those moments were all when he had been very upset. He reached beside him, pulling out her notebook and handing it to her. She knew what was wrong now, he found out. Eunji’s mind raced, this was her worst nightmare. What was she gonna do now?  
“Why?” he whispered, voice breaking. Tears gathered in his eyes and he didn’t bother to wipe them away.  
“I…” she started. What was she going to tell him? There was nothing she could say that would fix this, the damage was already done.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“Because I knew nothing could change my mind.” The air left Sehun’s lungs. She sounded so defeated, and it made his chest hurt.  
“Not even me?”  
She didn’t answer. Instead, she kept her head low and fiddled with her fingers. She didn’t know how to respond to that. Sehun took her hand in his and intertwined their fingers.  
”I’m gonna fix this, okay? I’ll fix everything and you’ll be happy. I promise,” he said, stroking her hand with his thumb.  
”Everything just hurts so much,” she whispered.  
”I know, but you’re so strong and we’ll fight through this, together. Promise me you’ll try.”  
She thought for a moment before uttering a shaky ”I promise.”

The morning after Sehun woke up earlier than Eunji. He moved out of bed, careful not to wake her up. Today there wouldn’t be a note, but that’s okay. His grand proposal was the least important thing for him right now. Eunji came first, and she always would. She was the light in his life, and in a selfish way, he’d always hoped that he would be the first of the two to die, just because he didn’t want to spend a second without her in his life.  
The cupboards in the kitchen were pretty unorganized and it was difficult for him to find the pancake mix he was looking for. Ever since they went to America together Eunji had loved pancakes.  
Both Sehun and Eunji were exhausted. Yesterday they had been out until two and today they woke up at six to be able to catch their flight from Florida to LA. As expected there were barely any people in the breakfast cafeteria. The pair sat down at a table. Eunji ordered pancakes, saying that she’d always wanted to try them after watching American movies. She waited a second for the waiter to leave before she took a bite out of the pancakes.  
“This is the best thing I have eaten in my life,” she said, mouth stuffed with pancake.  
When in LA they had bought around 20 boxes of pancake mix, and as a result almost not been let back into Korea. Eunji thought that they were out of pancake mix, but Sehun - self-proclaimed romantic genius - saved a box that he would make after he proposed. He chose to make the pancakes today instead because Eunji really needed something that would make her happy right now.  
He made the batter, just as he had done with the other 19 boxes. When Eunji came down from their room she smiled as she saw Sehun make the pancakes by the stove.  
“I thought we were out of pancake mix?” Eunji said happily. She walked up to Sehun and put her arms around his waist, hugging him from behind.  
“I saved one for a special occasion,” Sehun smiled.  
“What’s the special occasion?”  
“Making you happy.”

Eunji finished her pancakes before Sehun could start eating his second one. He reached over the table, taking her plate and putting one of his pancakes on it. She smiled brightly and nodded her head in approval. 

There would be another couple of days before Sehun got a good morning note again. He always set his alarm clock to 5.30 am to be able to make breakfast, and Eunji knew that. So today - Sehun’s birthday - she woke up before him, leaving a note on his bedside table. She looked up a recipe for chocolate cake since that was all they had ingredients for. Rummaging through the cupboards she pulled out the cocoa powder and the flour.  
Sehun’s phone vibrated for a little while before he could reach over to turn it off. His ability to wake up easily was one of the things he to pride in, according to him it made his life more efficient. Well, except when he was sleeping on the train, in those situations it was more of a curse. As his hand reached over to pick up the phone, his fingers made contact with a piece of paper. Sehun grabbed it and brought it over to look at.  
_Good morning birthday boy! See you when you wake up. Love youuu - your favorite baker x_  
The fact that it was his birthday had slipped his mind. Placing his feet in his slippers, Sehun made his way downstairs. Eunji stood by the kitchen counter, ready to cut the cake. She brought the knife down to the cake, but just as it was about to touch the cake she brought it up again. Her eyes were fixed on the blade, and her hands started to shake. Sehun rushed over to her, taking the knife from her and throwing it into the sink. He wrapped his arms around her. Eunji shook slightly in his arms and Sehun felt her tears stain his shirt.  
“Hey, hey. It’s okay, you’re okay,” he shushed, wrapping his arms tighter around her. “I’m here now. Come on, let’s sit down for a bit.” Sehun lifted her up and carried her over to the sofa, where he placed her on his lap. Brushing through her hair, he hummed softly to some of her favorite songs.  
“I need you to breathe, yeah? In through your nose and out through your mouth. Breathe with me.” Sehun took a deep breath through his nose, and Eunji tried to do the same. The first few times she was only able to take short breaths, but after a while, she breathed with the same rhythm as Sehun did. The hand that wasn’t petting her hair, was rubbing gentle circles on her back.  
“I’m sorry,” Eunji sniffled, looking up at Sehun.  
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You did so well,” he comforted, bringing her head over to his chest and kissing her forehead.

After Eunji calmed down, they ate the cake together.  
“Let go of my hand, I can’t eat the cake,” Eunji whined. But Sehun didn’t let her hand go, instead, he held it tighter.  
“Deal with it,” he chuckled before taking another bite of cake.  
“I love you.” Sehun looked up, surprised by her sudden confession. He let go of the fork he was eating with, and took her hand in both of his hands. He stroked her hand with his thumb.  
“I love you too.”

Seven months later  
For the first time in a long time, Eunji felt okay. Not perfectly well, but okay. Her body didn’t quite feel as heavy as it had before. She didn’t drag her feet across the floor as much, and the smiles on her face became more and more genuine. The circles under her eyes weren’t as dark and her eyes shone brighter than they had in quite a while. 

Although she had been hesitant when Sehun brought up seeing a therapist, she was glad that she let him take her to one. It was easier to deal with the anxiety now, it didn’t take over as much as it had done before. Her therapist advised her to take some time off work, to let herself relax. At first, she didn’t think she could do that, but after her therapist informed her that mental illness is just as valid as physical illness, she decided to listen. But after spending four months off work she started to feel bored. The first two and a half months she worked her way up to full time, starting with only working around 25%. But now she was back working full time again.

While Eunji was at work Sehun sat on their shared bed, gluing the last morning note into the notebook. He wrote a response just as he always did. Next to him on the bed stood a box. Sehun placed the notebook together with the three he finished before in it. Putting the lid on, he was thankful for the ribbon on top already being tied. Because although he could tie his shoes, if he were to tie a bow like this, he would most likely fail miserably.  
He buttoned the buttons of his dress shirt and put on the blazer he had bought a long time ago for some event he didn’t really remember. For once in his life he actually fixed his hair a bit, but not too much, Eunji liked the messy look.  
The clock on the wall read 4.56pm. Eunji’s shift ended at 5 and it took her around 15 minutes to get home. Sehun decided that it was time for him to make the pancakes now. This time since they didn’t have any pancake mix he decided to make his own. He prayed that they would taste good because otherwise, this whole thing would be a disaster.  
The front door swung open at 5.16 and Sehun felt as if he was about to choke out of nervousness.  
“You will not believe-” Eunji stopped in the middle of the hallway. “Are you eating pancakes without me?” She hurried into the kitchen, where Sehun standing next to the dinner table. The table was decorated with candles, and two of their nicer plates, each with their own stack of pancakes.  
“What’s going on? Why are you wearing a suit?”  
Sehun brought up the box of notebooks from the chair in from of him. He handed it to Eunji, who took it skeptically.  
“What’s this?”  
“Open it.”  
She placed it on an empty part of the table. Her eyes widened seeing the notebooks. She took one out and started flipping through it, the back of her eyes started to sting with tears. Bringing out the other three notebooks, all of them filled with her notes and responses from Sehun.  
“You kept all these?” Eunji looked up to find him on one knee in front of her.  
“I don’t know much about the future, but I know that I want you in it. I want to make you smile, I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I see before I fall asleep at night. I want to make you the main character in the story that is my life. I want to be there for you whenever you need me and even when you don’t need me I’ll be there cheering you on. I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he paused, taking the small velvet box out of his pocket. “Will you marry me?”  
Tears streamed down Eunji’s cheeks as she answered “Yes”.


End file.
